your choice, my choice.

I am a breastfeeding mummy. A very pro breastfeeding mummy. But recently there have been a few occasions where I have been made to feel uncomfortable about it. Amber is 7 months now. and I plan to continue feeding her well beyond 12 months. That is MY CHOICE!!

A friend of mine recently put a comment on facebook about Aptimil's Toddler milk, and its lack of obvious reasons for existence. A reply popped up and basically it descended into a breastfeeding V formula feeding debate.

I often find that I am unable to be proud of the fact I successfully fed both of my children, as its misinterpreted as formula bashing.

I read so much about the breastfeeding mafia. But I come across the formula feeding defensive more often!! It really irritates me that its deemed acceptable to stick your oar in and tell someone that they shouldn't breastfeed, that the baby wont sleep through, that its 'gross' to do it in public. 'You wouldn't have a poo in public...' etc. Along with all the other stupid comments I have received in the last few years.

But, if I were to even *hint* that formula wasn't as good as breast milk, then I am judgemental and condescending?

I have given up feeling bad no. The fact is, breast milk is superior to formula. You cant get away from that. I am not naive enough to think that there is no call for formula at all, but I think it should be the norm to Breastfeed. and less frowned upon!

I am fed up of being made to feel bad for being bloody proud of myself, it is hard work to breastfeed, and there is no 'sharing the night feeds'. BUT once its all established, it is SO much easier.
Long may Amber continue to feed. Bring on the 'Are you still Breastfeeding...?' ;)

An introduction to my little people...Amber

Just like her big brother, Amber was a surprise. Sometime last June I realised my period was late. 2 little pink lines later, and here was Amber. I wish! It was slightly more complicated than that!

Unfortunately I don't do anything by halves, and my pregnancy with Amber, was somewhat eventful! She was due on 13th March.

At 16weeks I requested an Amniocentesis. This was declined by my consultant as she thought it 'was a waste of NHS funding'. Quite why she came to that conclusion I have no idea. I went above her head and the procedure was carried out at 17weeks pregnant. The plan was also to put in a cervical stitch, but this was to be done at 18weeks. When I went to the hospital for this procedure, they said it couldn't be done as I had an infection and cervix was dilating already.

Basically we were told I had to cross my legs and get to 24weeks, or else they wouldn't help our baby! :'( The following 6 weeks were potentially the most emotionally draining 6weeks of my life.

The amnio results were clear, and confirmed that we were expecting a girl.

I continued to attended weekly monitoring, swabs and white blood counts to check on the infection. I rattled along with the amount of anti-biotics I was taking! Nothing seemed to clear it, or if it did, it came back with a vengeance!

Finally, we got to 24 weeks. and we all started to breathe again. But now Amber's kidney was starting to look too big on the scans. So I was back and forth having more scans on that, more monitoring and more infection screening!

With Will, I started having contractions at 28+6. with Amber 28+6 took me to Christmas day! I walked round with my legs crossed for a few days before! After the 25th, I breathed a sigh of relief. I had already got further than I had with Will!

Unfortunately our luck didn't last forever. On the 6th January (30+4) I woke up feeling a bit odd. I had routine ante-natal appointment anyways, which i attended. Whilst I was there, I asked for more steroids. I had to argue it, but eventually they agreed.

Fast forward to 8pm that night, (I had gone back to bed when Will went to his dads that night) I woke up to a huge pain across my tummy, and within an hour was contracting 12mins apart. Dave took me to hospital at 10pm and they confirmed, that I was having proper contractions. They gave me nifedipine to slow the contractions so that they could get another dose of steroids. and a shot of pethidine to ease the pain and hopefully for me to get some sleep as I was shattered. The hospital I was booked into (Wrexham Maelor Hospital) had no space in SCBU, so I was transferred out to Glan Clywd Hospital. The contractions petered out the next day after lots of nifedipine and pethidine and eventually I was transferred back to WMH.

To cut a VERY long story short, the contractions stopped and started for a few days, and I was transferred back and forth between WMH and GCH. Until both of those were full and I ended up at Arrowe Park Hospital. On January 11th, at 31+2, my waters went. I was kept in until the Friday and then sent home with a view to taking me in at 34 weeks for a cesarean.

I was in and out of hospital for the next 3 weeks, and inbetween I had weekly monitoring, and scans to check fluid levels. I was booked in for my CS on February 1st, at WMH. But when I went for me pre-op on the Monday, the bloody SCBU was full again!! So AGAIN, we were transferred to APH!

Amber Dawn finally arrived at 12.40pm on 1st February, weighing in at a tiny 4lb 15. With her being born at 34 weeks, there was some concern about her breathing etc, but she came out and screamed the place down! :) Dave got a cuddle whilst I was stitched up again. He even shed a tear, I cried my eyes out! :)

The CS went well, but my blood pressure was very low so the next bit is a bit blurry. I was taken into recovery, where I had a cuddle with Amber, but she was getting cold and wasn't able to regulate her temperature, so they decided to take her to SCBU for a check up. I wasn't really with it, so don't think I was aware of the severity of the situation.

Amber was taken in to Neo-natal Intensive care as she was struggling with her breathing. She was put on CPAP to help her with this. and sadly, we were unable to cuddle her, or get her out of the incubator. This was so hard. Dave's mum came to the hospital and I took her down to meet Amber, but it could have been anyone's baby, I felt detached from the whole situation. I was desperately wanting to breastfeed, but Amber wasn't strong enough. I was encouraged to pump my milk, which I did, and on day 3, my milk came in. I have never felt pain like it! It wasn't like that with Will!

I was discharged forom the maternity ward on the Friday, and stayed in the Ronald McDonald house which was amazing!

Things seemed to get worse for a while, I was so worried about her, she was so, so tiny and the effort of breathing tired her out so much. She didnt like being touched or mithered. It was awful.

But things eventually started to improve. She was born on the Tuesday, and on the Friday Amber and I had our 1st cuddle! It was lovely! By Saturday, she was off the CPAP, and just in an incubator with oxygen piped in. On the Sunday she was transferred into HDU, where, on day 5, she had her first breastfeed. It was amazing. I was on a high for days after. She continued to be fed via tube for the majority of the time, but this was decreased and she started to feed from me more and more.

Monday and a shif into the nursery.They decided she was able to just go into a hot-cot, but as she still needed some oxygen, they put in nasal canulas. I was horrified, felt like we were going backwards! The nurses reassurred me tho, that it was in her interest to have the help from the canulas, and be feeding from me all the time, and then be weaned off the oxygen.

I found it very very hard to be a mum of two at first. especially given the complications. I needed to be with Amber, but Will needed me too! I couldnt be in two places at once, and I didnt get to see a great deal of Will, as the hospital was 22miles from home and he was in nursery, so it meant a long day for him! He wasnt particularly bothered about the arrival of his new sister, as it was all a bit scary and we hadnt told him too mkuch. but when she was a week old, he came in to meet her. But Dave said 'oh, she looks a bit yellow today' and then he was worried about holding her, 'incase I get yellow too' LOL! He came again a few days later and had his 1st cuddle. it was a very emotional day for me, having both my babies in the same place at the same time and being able to cuddle them both was lovely.

It took 8days to wean Amber off the nasal canulas, but finally we came home from hospital on 15th February, with Amber weighing in a 5lb exactly.

She continued to gain weight and grow brilliantly, shes 6 and a half months now, and weighs about 13lb. We are so proud of her, shes doing fab. We were warned that there may be some developmental delay with her being premature, but shes doing everything she should be. Into everything, rolling everywhere, sitting up, eating anything you give her. She is a superstar!

We are still breastfeeding and I feel it is a huge acheivement given her being born so early, we are up for peer supporter training too, it is somehting I feel passionately about, and so does Amber! :) Hopefully we will continue feeding for a long time yet!

I think Amber will be our last baby. There are too many complications in my pregnancies and I dont think I could cope, physically or emotionally with another one. Dave couldnt afford to keep us either ;) haha. So I am going to enjoy every second of Amber being a baby. After all, I've blinked and Will is 4, they don't stay babys long at all! :(

An introduction to my little people...William

I was only 17 when I fell pregnant with William. Needless to say, he was a total surprise! The pregnancy was hideous. At around 8weeks, I started complaining of a sore hip. Within a few days, I was limping. and by 23 weeks had been diagnosed with Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction (SPD) and was given crutches and a lorry load of pain-killers to help me carry on with normal activities. The pain was excruciating, and I was taking regular Co-Codamol.

Around 25/26weeks, I started having very strong Braxton Hicks. At 28+6, halfway to Aberystwyth (to take my sister in law back to university) I started having what I thought we're BHs. In actual fact they were real contractions and so off we went to Aber. Hospital. What a nightmare that was, it's a horrible hospital, built on a hill, so lots of lifts and ramps!

They gave me lots of drugs to stop the contractions, and the 1st shot of Steroids, and 12 hours later the 2nd shot. As Aber. doesn't have a SCBU, they had to transfer me out to another hospital. The one I was booked into, the Countess of Chester Hospital, was full. So Arrowe Park Hospital it was. It apparently took about 3.5 hours to get from Aber to APH. I remember nothing off this, I was high as a kite on God knows what drugs!

The contractions petered out and eventually I was sent home. But that wasnt the end. To cut a long story short, I was in and out of hospital until 32 weeks when my waters started leaking. Baby was head down and I was told 'no swimming, no sex, and rest rest rest' . So I did, and the amniotic sac sealed itself up again. This is where the major issues began!

As the amniotic fluid had stopped leaking, COCH were happy to let me continue with the pregnancy, against my wishes, I wanted my baby out! During all this time, I was suffering terribly with SPD, and at 36 weeks, i fell down the stairs. Cue yet ANOTHER hospital trip. This triggered some concerns, and the following week, at my 37week ante-natal appointment, they decided to keep me in on bed-rest, to monitor my SPD and to give me some different pain relief.

The pain-relief team came round to see me on the ante-natal ward, and the decision was made to give me tramadol. I was reassured that baby wouldnt be dependant. How wrong was that!

At 38+3, I was taken down to be induced. 2 pessaries later...Nothing. The following day I was put on the pitocin drip. After 5hours, and a ceasearean. William Edward was born at 16.33pm, weighing in at 6lb.

Will and I both went up to the ward together. He slept most of the night, although the midwives did keep trying to wake us both so I could feed him. The breastfeeding was going ok. But I was not prepared for how painful it was going to be! :(

Originally, we were kept in to establish breastfeeding, but on the second night, Will started to cry this awful cry, he wouldnt settle, his blood sugars were all over the place. At 4am, the decision was made for him to be taken down to the NNU. I was informed that he was withdrawing from the Tramadol, and he was being put on Morphine Replacement Therapy. I was heartbroken. How could this have happened to my poor baby? Guilt is a terrible thing! I paced the floor for hours and hours, and desperately pumped to get my milk supply in. During which time, Will was given donor milk through a Nasal Gastric tube. the MRT knocked him out, he wouldnt feed and slept constantly. The paeds and OB/GYN consultant talked and decided to give me morphine and it would filter through into my breastmilk and Will would be weaned off like that. It was gonna be hard, but worth it to get him feeding properly!

Evetually, on day 4, we were allowed home. He was a very unsettled baby. He had colic, and cryied constantly for about 12 weeks. We rode it out until 16weeks and then started to wean, thinking my breastmilk wasnt filling him up. It made no difference. Neither did formula. One day, though, he just stopped crying so much.

Fast-forward to his 8month check-up with the Health visitor. He wasnt sitting up by this point. But the HV never followed it up. By 12months, he was rolling round, but still no closer to sitting independantly. I also noticed his feet looked different to my friends children's feet. Sort of twisted in. :/ I took him to the GP, she referred us to a Paeds consultant. I thought nothing of it really, in my mind, worst case scenario was gonna be an operation to correct the positioning of his feet.

But no. The day came round for the consultant appointment. I took Will by myself. Dr Murphy took one look at him and said the words that shattered my world. "I think he has Cerebral Palsy"

There are no words to explain the shock. I didnt even know what Cerebral Palsy was! But I knew it wasnt good. We we're referred to Wrexham Maelor Hospital to see a physiotherapist. She turned out to be an amazing source of support for me, and the only person with any faith in what Will could achieve.

Many tests later, MRI scans, Neurological reports, and assessments later, on the 1st October 2008 William was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy. Aged 17months and 4 days. The prognosis was grim. How wrong could they be...?

Age 2

 

Age 3

Christmas 2011 in his new wheelchair

Going to Nursery School in his frame

Age 4...my big grown up boy!

Helping with his new baby sister!

Me and my babies, July 2011

Womanhood Versus Motherhood

Today I did a boudoir shoot with a photographer friend of mine, Holly. There in nothing like being up close and half naked with your friends, hey?! Haha!

A group of local mums and I are doing a charity calender, and Holly is behind the camera. The idea all came about after a conversation on our Facebook group, and Holly asked if anyone would be up for a boudoir shoot. I volunteered, so long as I could have a picture for Dave's birthday which is next week. Kill two birds with one stone as such.

Well there is a Facebook group for the calender, we've been in the local paper and are planning on a radio interview to boost our publicity. The more people that know about us, the more money we make!! :) Its for a good cause! We've had some feedback from other mums, saying it's fab, how much it would boost their confidence, etc. It got me thinking about 'Womanhood V Motherhood'.

Sometimes I find it hard, being a full-time mum, often I have so much going on, I barely get chance to go for a wee in peace, let alone the faffing and palaver of make-up and a fancy hair-do. I get my hair cut when I just cant cope anymore. I get my nails done for a super-special occasion. Most days include a smudge of mascara applied with one hand whilst breastfeeding a child in the other arm!

But today, I palmed of my children! (LOL) Will was at his dads anyways, and Amber went out with Dave's mum, and off I went to Ruthin to met with Holly. Having never done anything like this before, I was really nervous, but excited at the same time. I had packed a bag with loads of difference changes of underwear, and one of Dave's work shirts ;) and some heels of course!

Like I said before, I'm not overly bothered about a lot of make-up etc, nor am I particularly body conscious and quickly got into it, wandering round in my undies! :O

Driving home though, I reflected on the shoot, and how I felt about it. Holly didn't let me see any of the pictures she'd taken, and in fairness, I only asked once! I'm really quite proud of my body, including the stretch marks! I have had 2 children, breastfed one and still breastfeeding the other, so no perfect model physique here! I'm glad I did the shoot. I may be a mummy , but I am a woman too. It's made me think that perhaps I ought to put more effort in to ME, as Michaela, not just 'mummy'. Sometimes the importance of motherhood, blurs out the importance of womanhood.

It all made sense in my head, I was gonna become this glamorous mummy overnight, who walked out of magazine and onto the school playground. And then it and went wrong when my Mother in Law brought Amber back home, my heart melted and I realised why I don't bother with all that stuff...because I'd much rather be rolling round the floor with the kids, covered in paint and smelling of baby sick. Sort of. And I wouldn't have it any other way. My kids love me, and Dave does too. Exactly how I am. :)

Nappy days...and 6months of breastfeeding :)

 

So. Dave thinks I have issues. 

I am definitely the hippy, odd-ball mum of my friends. I Breast-feed, Co-sleep, Baby-wear and best of all, Amber has a fluffy bum!

Its Friday now. Just about. And today marks 6months of breastfeeding for Amber and I. Proud moments for us, more so because she was born at 34 weeks. After 16weeks of complications, and wondering if we were even going to have a baby coming home with us!!

We cloth nappy due to Amber having very sensitive skin. But I kinda ran away with myself, and now have about 90 nappies. I suspect that's possibly OTT.

Tonight I washed and dried my nappies, and took a stash picture. BUT, there are more that I haven't managed to get in this picture! and a few more on the way. :/